Sometimes I take for granted how much we accept certain things as part of society without ever really thinking about them. Even things as simple as the way we say hello are practiced traditions…but never mind those kinds of boring things, we’re talking sex type stuff here. I met a woman tonight that through the course of conversation revealed that she doesn’t believe in sharing food. This, of course, is not really unusual. Lots of people don’t share food and for a variety of reasons. I don’t typically share off of my own plate, not because of any phobia or anything of that nature, it’s just that I put the food on my plate that I want to eat and I have every intention of doing just that (dammit, I’m hungry). This woman didn’t believe in sharing food because she didn’t want anyone else’s saliva in her mouth. That too shouldn’t ring any bells on its own, but it quickly ran the natural course that it must: “I don’t kiss no one, that shit is nasty.”
This was not a teenager. This was a fully grown, adult sized person that had managed to live a full life, have a child, etc. but did not believe in kissing because they did not want to share saliva or germs with someone even if they loved that person…but she would blow a dude for fun. WHAAAAaaaaaat?! Mouth – nasty; sweaty dick and balls – awesome. I know what you’re thinking: why question this logic? This sounds like a career oriented professional that knows which end the money comes out of and what kind of person would I be to sway a person from their chosen endeavors? A shitty one, that’s what kind. But my mind couldn’t let this go for two reasons. The first reason is the simple one; who doesn’t kiss? I’ve known some people that were never really into full-on dog loose in the litter box style making out, but they still kissed their spouse or children, I’ve never seen anyone turn it down on principle but still choose to take a mouth full trouser snake in underwear sauce. But then I really pondered it for a bit. The human mouth contains anywhere from 500-1000 different types of bacteria. Many diseases are saliva borne (mono, strep, herpes, etc.). Maybe it wasn’t so unusual. I mean, let’s consider our mouths are a constant high traffic area both inhaling and exhaling the air and every chemical floating around, as well as being the grinder portion of our human “food to shit” processing system. This gives way to all kinds of new gross things that could be lurking behind every tooth, waiting to jump out and make its way on that pulsing pink muscle attached to our lower mandible into our mouths and infect us with its bacterial or viral neutron bomb of doom. And in that same thought process, our genitals are fairly sheltered from the outside world. The majority of their exposure to the elements outside of our body is being housed in some protective cotton, only subject to the occasional sulfur wind that’s been known to blow from the south and some ocean spray from beneath the surface. Maybe it is cleaner after all.
Staggering. The thought kind of spun me for a minute – until I realized that’s ridiculous cause most of our food is at some level just as gross. Besides, I’ve seen people do far more disgusting things than kiss. But the second reason I couldn’t let it go was that I couldn’t stop imagining trying to replace this kiss with some other sort of act that follows this kind of thinking. Imagine a blowjob in place of every kiss. Goodbye blowjobs? Awesome. Might be awkward to say “hello” in places like Italy. Goodnight blowjobs. I think this paragraph has taken me longer to type than any I’ve ever attempted – that’s how long I played this scenario out in my mind.
It’s pretty amazing to me that we do just accept kissing with our filthy mouths as acceptable, but just consider the alternative. Floppy dong sweat in your mouth just to tell someone you care. For the love of God, people, just no. Kiss.